I’m in a bit of a frump right now, a little lost and unsure of myself. I know I have a lot to say, but I don’t feel really confident putting it out there. It was a lot easier before I started taking notice of ALL of the people “out there” in “internet land” who are writing, blogging, taking awesome photos and posting them on Instagram, marketing themselves… and everyone is selling something! There are people writing about anything and everything. And they’re all so incredibly talented! I feel like a fish out of water, wondering what the heck I’m doing. I don’t even have a really clear idea on what I want this blog to be. Do I want to start a design business with my subpar design skills, do I want to write about life to inspire, do I want to focus mostly on homeschooling or do I want to have most posts lead into an applicable message about God? Why would anyone want to listen to me with so many other choices out there? Why is what I have to say any better or different? Hillside Farm is just the name on the windmill in my front yard. It came with the house. What is Hillside Farm? I do love sharing my heart, my life experiences, my knowledge and feelings about God and homeschooling. I like pretty things, I want my home to be a cozy place where everyone feels welcome. I’m not a professional decorator, my house and the photos I take look NOTHING like the ones I see on Instagram. I’m just an average woman who definitely doesn’t have all of the answers; really hardly any answers. I struggle with insecurities about everything ranging from my parenting skills to what kind of wife I am, to stressing about not losing pregnancy weight fast enough. So now what?!
I’m not going to quit. It doesn’t matter what anyone thinks. It doesn’t matter if I have zero followers. It doesn’t matter if nobody ever reads anything I write, or looks at any pictures, or visits my Facebook page…. I’m stepping out in faith because I felt compelled to start something. I still have no idea what I’m doing, what this is or where it’s going. There will always be more talented, more informed, smarter and wiser people. That’s okay. I’m not doing this for any particular reason. I just know that I enjoy it and I’m feeling called to step out of my comfort zone. Or, I’m feeling a pull, or have a sense that’s compelling me to write and share, whatever you want to call it. A few months ago I never would have been brave enough to create all of these ridiculous accounts. WordPress blog, my own Facebook page, I still don’t know what Twitter is for, and the worst time suck ever is Instagram. I’m doing it all because I want to be brave. I want to know that I gave it my all (whatever “it” is). I don’t want to wonder what would have happened if would have just tried a little harder. So, I’m not going to quit.
Alright, I’m not quitting. I still don’t know what I’m doing… So what! I don’t have to know what I’m doing. There aren’t any social media or blogging rules. I’m going to do my best to throw all of my insecurities out the window. I’m going to do my best to be the most authentic me I can be. I don’t need to write for an audience. That’ll just skew any authenticity I have to give anyway. I’m just going to be me, writing about whatever topic pops into my mind or whatever experience is fun enough to share. I’m going to keep posting my subpar decor pictures on Instagram along with whatever else I feel led to share. Maybe this all will be something meaningful one day. Maybe it’ll just be a fun sort of diary for my family to read when I’m long gone. Maybe it will turn into something I haven’t even thought of yet. All I know, is that it will be absolutely nothing if I do nothing. I don’t want to have any regrets, so nothing isn’t an option. No quitting, keep going, let go of my insecurities, be authentic, be different, stop comparing, throw out the rules, follow the calling.